Stormy Weather

Nights like this I wish that raindrops would fall. I envision black clouds casting their shadows over every corner of my life, and out of habit I brace myself for the rain that will surely come next. Sometimes I find myself in darkness, and I resentfully pout and resign myself to spend some time there when the light switch is within my arm’s reach. Oh, the drama. The internal soundtrack has certainly been melancholy today.

As I was riding home tonight, listening to 808s and Heartbreak, I decided to have a good cry. Every woman should have one from time to time. I probably get a knot in my throat at least once a day, because I’m just a sappy girl and everything touches me; but nothing cleanses my heart and purges my emotions more than a good cry. And why do I secretly revel in having the right music to accompany my sorrowful mood? It sounds so contrived, right? Acceptable or not, I have to tell it like it is. Honesty and vulnerability are powerful healers, and tonight my spirit needs healing

In the last couple of days, I have not had enough sleep or healthy meals, almost no time has been dedicated to quiet prayer or meditation, and I have not picked up a book or written a soul-cleansing word. My routine has been completely off, and family circumstances have been emotionally draining. Energy is going out and it’s not being replenished. For me, all of this adds up to the perfect storm. No wonder I didn’t see the simulated clouds darkening my doorstep. I know what my physical and spiritual bodies need in order to thrive and when I don’t meet those needs, my defenses go down. I need to exercise my body, mind and spirit in order to ward off the willies, the lonelies, and the if-onlies. (That’s code for fear, doubt and regret.)

I have these moments where my mind knows my loss of perspective is irrational, but I’m too caught up in my own hype. I’m deep in my feelings and detached from the facts. The beautiful part of this particular stormy night is that I finally know what I do and why I do it. I can see my stuff and call it out. I know and accept that it has to rain sometimes, and I don‘t have to let myself be washed away. Even further than that, there’s no need for me to create my own virtual storms in my head or fret over things that I can’t control. Rain or shine, faith reminds me that I am protected and equipped to handle any weather.

Love,
Singin in the Rain