Beautiful Shadow

photo credit: http://fineartamerica.com/featured/shadow-paloma-spaeth.html

Let me start by saying... it's not easy to pick yourself apart and take responsibility for your own peace of mind. There are so many easier things to blame. Frequently in my life, I've allowed jealousy to distract me from what's really missing within myself. I can't tell you how difficult and liberating it is for me to admit this. This is part of my shadow, and as I explore it, it becomes less scary and more beautiful to me.

Jealousy has manifested itself as insecurity in my relationships with friends, family and lovers. No matter how much I am loved and supported by loved ones, I still hear that small voice that doubts and tries to chip away at my joy.

As relationships have evolved, grown and dissipated in my life, I've found myself questioning why. Instead of letting life flow on naturally, I resist and I look for meaning in the changes to somehow indicate that I'm lacking something. "Why did this person stop talking to me? Why did we grow apart? Why is he reaching out to her and not me? Why does he have female friends? Does she like her new friend more than me? Why wasn't I invited to this?" In other words - I project my own self-doubt into my relationships and distort the normal growth and change of my relationships.

Relationships are living, breathing entities. They don't stay the same. They are complicated. They are not mutually exclusive events. I can love you and love her too. I can walk away from you and it doesn't negate the significance of the time we spent together. I can be the factor that brought two people together and that's it. I can play my role for as long or short a time as life allows, and peacefully and gracefully move on and let go. The more I am willing to accept the necessity of letting go, the more free I become. And I don't know about you, but freedom is my mission.

And this is the beauty of exploring your shadows. If you keep the door shut, you will never give your eyes a chance to adjust to the darkness and see what's really there. What seems foreboding and ugly to the untrained eye can actually be a beautiful discovery.

What has been bothering you that you are ashamed of or feel guilty about? Don't let it hold you back. Confront it and love yourself for acknowledging every part of who you are.