Friday, May 21, 2010

Not Feelin' It

Sometimes....I just don't feel like writing. Sure, there's a lot of writing that I should get done, but I just don't feel like it! Sometimes, I don't want to do housework. I don't want to cook, clean, straighten or do laundry; yes, I realize those towels have been sitting unfolded on the couch for a week, but I'm sorry--I don't want to fold them. There are times when I don't want to watch TV--the reality shows are too silly, the dramas are too dramatic and the comedies are too unfunny. Nothing you can show me can entertain me in these moments. There are times when I don't want to go anywhere, but instead wish to sit, curled up in the little nook of my sofa--the only place I can imagine ever needing to be. I love my family and friends, but I don't want to talk. I don't want to text, email, tweet, facebook or instant message; as a matter of fact, I just have to turn my phone off. At some moments, all I want to do is sip my mug of green tea...or bury myself in a good book and let my imagination run wild in some alternate universe of someone else's creation...or cocoon within my sheets and comforter...or sit and stare at the four walls. Occasionally, I want/need/have to just do absolutely nothing and not feel guilty about it.

I'm not sure why it is that I have moments where I feel this way. But I do pause to wonder if I am the only one who does. I wonder: "Is it that my estrogen levels are raising and falling at such a rate that they cancel each other out and render me emotionally mute? Do I focus so much, work so hard and multi-task so fervently that my mind and body are forced to shut down every once in a while just so they can reboot? Am I subconsciously upset at some perceived injustice that is disrupting my peace? Am I borderline depressed--should I get a referral to see someone?! Or maybe, I'm being ridiculously dramatic and this is just ole' familiar laziness creeping in. Perhaps I should be pushing myself to write, work, and fold right on through this funk." These, and other random thoughts, they crawl/walk/run underneath and on top of each other through my brain when this feeling (or lack thereof) settles in.

There is something that I do know for sure: each occurrence of this kind will pass. I have to feel it, ride it out and do my best to explore it. I have to let it engulf me when it comes around because I just need to. (No, I honestly haven't come up with a better explanation than that.) But before I know it, I'll be focused again and off running at full speed working, writing, parenting, socializing and any other -ings that I can cram into my days. So during such times...just for a few moments, I let myself just...be.

2 comments:

Ashley said...

Great post! Yes, sometimes you have to just embrace that mood and realize that this too shall pass. For me it makes the times when I am riding high feel so much more refreshing and something I want to savor and hold on to (for as long as I can) for even longer periods of time.

Chic Mommy, Cool Kid said...

Great perspective Ashley. I will have to remember to savor those times when I am "up" as well; instead of only noticing those times when I am not.

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