Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Food For Thought: Just A One Night Stand

"You should stay another night with me. (I just want your body baby)
Oh woahh.
A one night stand is all I need. (All I need)
Just you and me.
(Baby you) You should stay another night with me.
Oh woahh. (Only want you to stay until the morning come)
A one night stand is all I need."

The first time I heard this song (by Keri Hilson, featuring Chris Brown), I was in the car with my Honey and we both kind of looked at each other like, "Huh? Did we really just hear that?" A bit irritated by the lyrics, I launched into a diatribe about how women complain so often that there are no good men; yet, in fact, they're not representing themselves properly. They tell men all they want is a one-night stand; they get it; and yet are later upset that this same man isn't looking to start a relationship with them. What a mixed message! Honey just kind of chuckled and nodded confirmation. But I steamed for another minute or two, wondering, "Is this really the message we want to send out?"

This was not a self-righteous rant, I assure you. There was a time in my life where I said I wanted one thing, but continuously accepted the complete opposite, expecting things to change later on down the road. I pretended to be on board with situations that didn't serve me because I was too afraid that if I let one man go, there wouldn't be another to come along who was as "great". Silly me.

Since then, I've learned the power of letting go. When we release people and situations from our lives that represent what we don't want; we make a ton of room for those people and situations that we DO want to show up.

One last note, to clarify: I will not judge you because you just want a one-night stand. If you're a mature, responsible woman and that's your real choice, I respect it. However, if you are attempting to use it as a jumping off point for relationships; if you are constantly lamenting the shallow pool of available relationship-worthy men; or if you continuously blame your single status on statistics, let me ask you a tough question: Are you presenting yourself as a woman who is worthy of a relationship? 

Think carefully and answer honestly--not for me, but for yourself--because you're going to get exactly what you're asking for. So, do you want a one-night stand, or a relationship? The choice is ultimately yours to make.

What do you guys think: Do you agree? Or is a song just a song? Let's discuss.

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Anonymous said...

The sad truth is a significant number of single women today who desire a strong relationship are not qualified to be partnered. The value system in this country has pretty much extracted the "lady" out of many of our women. Sleeping with a man does very little in getting him to fall for you. Sex satisfies the physical, but a woman's character satisfies his sole. Before you actively search for a relationship ladies, ask yourself... other than a job, a cute smile, an independent badge, and a warm vagina, what are you bringing to the table ladies. Are you supportive, intellectually curious, logical in your thinking, good humored, easy going, lady like, freaky, and ambitious? Do you know how to treat a good man and show him that you respect and appreciate him? Or are you jaded, angry, argumentative, bossy, intellectually limited to reality show updates, selfish, illogical in your thinking, demanding, sexually prudish, and just an over all negative person. There are more prerequisites to becoming a serious contender in being a good mans girl/wife other than simply wanting to be one.

So if you want a man to see you for more than just a jump off (which is what most men initially see you as...sorry), then present yourself as a lady as Kim suggested. Learn what qualities it takes to be a good woman/wife. Learn that "submission" isn't synonymous with being a slave. Ask the man that you are with what will it take for you to get the job of being his girl/wife. Be bold. Have some standards. But if you're just looking to have a horizontally good time then do so and be safe. But please don't look for any type of commitment from that man or for him to ever take you seriously. Men simply don't operate like that. Good luck ladies. Good and Great men are still out here.

Todd M ;-)

Kim Jackson said...

I particularly like this advice: "Ask the man that you are with what will it take for you to get the job of being his girl/wife." Such a simple thing that can save both parties a lot of time by making sure they are on the same page from the very start.

Such a great comment, Todd--thank you. We love it when our male readers contribute their point of view!

BestBLeve said...

Great Post and Todd your feedback was very enlightening. It is always good to hear a man's point of view on the situations of sex and relationships.

jess said...

"When we release people and situations from our lives that represent what we don't want; we make a ton of room for those people and situations that we DO want to show up. "

YESSSSS!!!!! Empty that expired gunk and get ready for fresh stock! I think one-night stands are just people fooling themselves into thinking it can ever be "just sex". I could be wrong...but I just don't see them happen successfully enough to think otherwise. In any case when you're honest with yourself about what you want, you can't (with a clear conscious) settle for less.

NinaG said...

I feel like I'm growing more conservative by agreeing with this but I think it's actually that I'm just growing and learning.
I never settled for a 2 year degree when I wanted a 4 year degree; I never settled for a part-time job when I wanted full-time with benefits; so if I'm not settling in these aspects of my life, why am I settling in relationships. As I'm getting older, I realize I can't settle for 'let's go with the flow' when I want 'let's build together'

Thank you for the post!

Anonymous said...

OOOh I have to say Jess's comment up there about making room for junk we don't want hit me. As you get older your supposed to mature in ur mind and spirit and ur goals are to mature as well. I was married for 21 years, going through a divorce now. 2 grown sons out of our marriage. But throughthe heart of such a long marriage coming to this..I am moving on in myself. allowing myself to be healed in my mind and spirit of the junk i endured. I have always been a dedicated powerful woman, but it is amazing how we can allow a person to strip of us our confidence we walked into the relationship with. I have been excited about living the single life and getting ready to finish college and live by myself. I feel more free as a woman than i ever have.

Kim Jackson said...

@NinaG - this is gospel to me: "I can't settle for 'let's go with the flow' when I want 'let's build together'". Thank you for putting it so eloquently.

luvmylocs said...

this a really good post and insightful comments. thanks!

Kim Jackson said...

Thanks--it sparked a great conversation! Glad you enjoyed reading.

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