Monday, June 6, 2011

The Importance of Self-Validation

"Don't reach out when u want validation. Wait & let Love move u. Share from the fullness of your Heart rather than the emptiness of your fear" -Mastin Kipp
When I saw this on twitter a couple of weeks ago, it instantly spoke to me. I remember a time when I was just a big ball of emotional neediness; and, more often than not, I dumped those emotions on the people with whom I was in relationships. I related in a hungry, needy way; as opposed to actually opening up and responding to things lovingly. This type of behavior was such a catch 22 because despite their trying, there was no way anyone could ever give me enough; so I was always begging for more. “Feed me (emotionally)!” “Love Me!” “Soothe Me!” “Validate Me!” was what I seemed to be constantly asking with my actions. I tried to suck them dry as I desperately sought to fill a void that could only be filled from within. And, of course, I felt angry with, or hurt by them for not being what I thought I needed them to be. It was an ugly and self-destructive cycle.

Thankfully, I matured and began to understand the importance of self-soothing and self-validation. I stopped verbally dumping my fears and insecurities on the people around me, expecting them to pick up the pieces and solve my issues. I learned to trust myself, and to walk myself through the pain or uncertainty in a logical, reasonable manner—but most importantly, with love. I like to call it “talking myself off the ledge” and I can do it anywhere and anytime now—out loud or in my head. In the past, there would be instances where I would be steaming mad for hours, cause arguments and stew in anger. Now, I’m able to turn those negative emotions around in minutes; or at least calm myself enough to be able to deal with them privately later on.

As a result, my relationships with everyone around me are so much better because I’m not relying on them to fill me up. I come to all my interactions charged and full of love; ready to give, rather than seeking to receive. And if I get that love back, it’s a beautiful bonus.

If the destructive behavior sounds familiar to you, forgive yourself, and know that it’s easy to overcome. You’re human, so you’re going to feel fear, insecurity, mistrust, hurt and anger; expect it and accept it. It’s what you do with those emotions that will matter. When you feel fearful, spend time alone, sit with your feelings and evaluate them. When you have soothed yourself, loved yourself, and been your own cheerleader; you’ll be better able to choose the best course of action and move forward in love, instead of fear.

13 comments:

Staci Reynolds said...

What a fabulous article. Thank you! I struggle sometimes with this, & constantly reminding myself that I am the 1 in charge of me, I am the 1 who needs to validate me!

Kim Jackson said...

Thanks Staci! I have to continue to remind myself too, but the important thing is that we are aware of it so we can change it.

Anonymous said...

perfect timing. Beautiful, Thank you!

Kay said...

This just spoke to me tremendously. I woke up today feeling awful and decided to come and see what the post for today was and it is a blessing. thanks Kim

GG said...

Same here! I was really touched by this today for a couple reasons. One, because I can relate so much and it's just amazing to have your feelings captured by someone else's words so accurately. Secondly, because I know you so well and have seen this transformation in you over the years. It's a beautiful thing! xoxo

♥ CG ♥ said...

Wow, this speaks to me on so many levels. I have to let this marinate...a good thing in this instance :-)

Kim Jackson said...

@ Anon and Kay
I'm so glad this was right on time for you. It's been in my spirit for a little while.

@ GG
Yes, you have been there! And I thank you for helping me to grow.

@ CG
I love that it made you think. Let us know if this brings forth any changes for you.

GracefullyGibby said...

Awesome article! It spoke to me and I'm going to work on this in my life.

Kim Jackson said...

Glad we could inspire the work, Gracefully Gibby. Feel free to keep us posted on your progress.

NinaG said...

This was the experience in my last relationship. However it was he who was in need of the constant validation. It was very emotionally draining and I know that I came off as callous to him at times because I couldn't deal with it. I started to question myself, whether I was really a cold person because of this. It's good to see others have been in these types of relationships, even if it's from the other person's perspective. Thank you.

Kim Jackson said...
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Kim Jackson said...
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Kim Jackson said...

Great point, Nina. I can see how there could be feelings of guilt on the part of the mate for not wanting to/being able to fill the void in their partner. The wonderful thing to note is that no one is a bad person in this situation; there are only people who need to grow and recognize when they're in a situation that doesn't work for them. Glad you were able to successfully move on. I hope that now you can find (or have found) someone who is more similar to you in their expectations of the relationship.

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